Leesa had wanted, for a while, to take our twin nephews on an overnight trip somewhere.  Their fifth birthday this week provided an opportunity so we decided to take them to the Wilderness at the Smokies resort near Pigeon Forge.  We'd also decided to take them to Dixie Stampede to "eat and see horses".  I can only assume that they knew the event would be "eat and (see horses)" and not "(eat and see) horses".

Warning: the following is not necessarily interesting or funny.  You've been warned.  tl;dr version: things happened, everyone had fun, and five-year-olds can be a handful.

The first challenge, of course, is the drive up there.  Now it's only 3 hours with no stops (and no construction or ice in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park), but we knew there'd be no way we'd make that.  So we had to keep them occupied for a likely 4 - 5 hour drive.

Like most parents, I imagine, I want my children to have more than I did.  But from that springs the phrase "In my day we had it a lot harder."  Now, even living in Missouri, I never had to trudge uphill in the snow to get to school.  We had buses, after all.  But what we didn't have was anything remotely entertaining to do on long car rides.  We had, at the boys' disposal, on-the-headrest DVD players, two iPods, an iPhone, and we stopped at Wal*Mart to get toys and it still all lasted about 20 minutes before they were bored.

Leesa had apparently put a couple new games on her iPhone just for the boys to play.  One of them was of one of our least favorite characters, but one of the boys' favorites - Spongebob.  Now calling it a game is a bit of a misnomer as it quickly became clear that it was more of a soundboard.  All it consists of is buttons to make Spongebob say one thing or another, each more obnoxious than the last.  And there were only about 6 different sounds.  And you could chain them together so that it said the same thing dozens of times in a row.  It's really a wonder that it lasted as long as it did.

After leaving the house we stopped off at McDonald's to get some breakfast.  This is, please note, about 8 minutes away from the house.  Upon pulling into the drive-thru, Joseph made a shocked, indignant noise and declared "There's no horses here!"  It's at that point that we began to suspect that we might be in trouble.

We arrived safely, only having to stop once or twice for bathroom breaks and gas.  Once we got there they boys wanted to go to the outdoor waterpark (the one attached to the building we were staying at - the other one across the street has the indoor waterpark).

On the way there we came across a small arcade that caught the boys' attention right away.  That was tabled briefly while we went on to the waterpark.

The hotel part of the resort is pretty well done, excepting our bathroom door that inexplicably did not latch or lock (to be fair, the latter could be a result of the former).  I'm not sure how this could happen given the thousands (or tens of thousands) of doors that had to be built into the hotels but then I guess the laws of probability would dictate that at least a couple would be bad.  Still, the hotel itself was nice.  And the waterpark was very well-designed too.  It was well laid out with plenty of lifeguards present.  The play areas for the little kids were surprisingly intricate with all kinds of pull ropes, dam switches, valve wheels, etc. to divert water all over the playground-sized complexes.  The problem came in integrating the two.  It's almost as if there was no thought given to the fact that the people in the hotel would be using the waterpark and vice versa even though the waterparks are only open to guests of the hotel.

After swimming for a while we went back upstairs to get ready for dinner.  I took the boys back to try out the arcade while Leesa got ready.  Unfortunately they're now old enough to know whether they're actually playing a game or just pushing buttons while the demo plays, and they loved to play the games.  Or, at least, for a minute or two.  Jacob would generally get a feel for the goal of the game and try to do it while Joseph would just randomly push buttons, lose interest, and run off to some other game while crying "More! More!"

We arrived just in time to catch the beginning of the pre-show at Dixie Stampede.  We waited in the large room outside of the main arena while they finished.  Essentially it's 4-5 men playing assorted fiddles, banjos, etc.  They play the expected "traditional" songs like Buffalo Gals and such.  It got a little weird when they went on to Aerosmith and I thought for sure I was hearing things when they started playing, in a very up-tempo manner, Eleanor Rigby.  Towards the end they did a few announcements, including wishing the boys a happy birthday.  They glanced towards the stage (we couldn't actually see it where we were sitting) and nodded as if it was to be expected that they would know it was their birthday.

We left early as the boys were done eating and they lost interest in the horses.  We'd seen ads for MagiQuest posted everywhere and it looked like something they might like.  When we got there we found it was a complex of several attractions so we got tickets to all four.  The main feature is MagiQuest itself which is sort of like electronic LARPing for kids.  The basic idea is that you're given a wand about the size of a large carrot and you use it to get gold, do quests, get experience, etc.  

We got our wands and were ushered into the orientation area.  There a guy in full wizard's robes had us all stand there and watch an introduction.  It was a good balance of indifference and fantasy, I thought.  Really.  You don't want too much of either - just a nice happy medium between some guy with a cigarette pointing to the screen with a "Welcomemagipleasebequietandlistentothewizardmaster" and someone who has everyone put on a pointed hat and sing along.  When they handed us a book to read that explains how it all worked and started in on just how complex the whole thing is I could tell Leesa was having second thoughts about it.  The boys were just eager to get in and do something, quests be damned.  The wands clearly have some kind of spring-loaded relay in them so if you flick it at something it activates and sends a signal.  You're supposed to go and find chests, open them with the wand to get gold, find hidden runes and such and complete quests.  

Course as soon as Joseph realized he could make chests open just by flicking his wand at them there was no restraining him.  He went off flicking his wand and yelling nonsense "magical words" at everything in sight - whether someone else was currently doing the same or not.  Needless to say we didn't use up the entire hour allotted us but turned our wands back in after 20 minutes or so.  
After that we tried the mirror maze.  Before entering they issued us tissue paper-like gloves to wear.  It turns out that this is a very good idea.  The maze itself wasn't too difficult to navigate as it really only had one path through but it was still tricky sometimes and I jumped once when it looked like someone was coming up behind me (it was me, of course).  Joseph freaked out some in one area where the floor was mirrored as well but we got him through it.

Finally pretty tired (and plenty stuffed) we went back to the hotel.  Leesa had anticipated having to sleep with the boys in their bed while I slept in the other one but was adamant that she would not sleep in the middle.  She turned out to be mistaken.

The waterpark allows guests to visit on both check-in and check-out days so we checked out and then hit the indoor waterpark again.  There we spent most of our time in the "kids" area, running back to the wave pool whenever the waves started up again.

As we were leaving the waterpark we found that Joseph had managed to injure himself with what looked like a small abrasion on his toe - probably from stubbing it on the concrete.  He was upset so I took him to the first aid station to get a bandage so he'd calm down.  No one was there so I'd almost convinced him that it was nothing when someone returned.  We got a little bandage for him but it turned into a whole thing when I had to fill out a report on the injury with name, address, etc. and give them my assurance that I didn't think he had to see a doctor.  Probably a standard thing they have to do but Joseph was far more terrified of this than of the initial injury - a fact he demonstrated when he started running away from the guy on his injured toe.  He must have thought he'd have to get a shot or an amputation or something.

We managed to get them out of the waterpark with the bribe of going to the arcade in this building.  This one had machines that gave tickets.  Jacob was playing a game and hit the ticket jackpot - winning him 1000 tickets.  In the end we had about 1300, which they split, and they agonized over choosing the prizes from the false teeth and moustache combs.

To get them from that we took them to play mini-golf.  The MagiQuest thing had an indoor blacklight Pirate Golf course that we'd already gotten tickets for.  Jacob did pretty well, actually trying to hit the ball in the holes and taking the course in order.  Joseph went straight for the big pirate ship and just wanted to play in it.

The bribe to leave there, I believe, was a milkshake, so with that we finally got back on the road to head home and see our little girls again.  The trip back was pretty uneventful since they actually slept through most of it.

Things I learned (that I should have already known):

• It's very very important to ensure that you choose the correct restroom.  Look closely and make sure it says "Men's".  The second half of this piece of advice may not apply to everyone.
• There is no situation where a five-year-old will volunteer to go to the bathroom.  You stand a 50/50 chance if you prompt them and ask, but if you don't ask they will leave a building with a bathroom only to require an emergency stop 5 minutes later.  There is also a good chance that this will happen while halfway up a mountain with no stops for 20 minutes.
• No matter how funny you may think it is to be asked "Are we there yet?" it will be asked a number of times greater than the number you think funny.
• Five-year-olds do not necessarily have a firm grasp on interrogatives.  Thus the baffling question "How many times until we're there?" actually means "Are we there yet?"  However, surprisingly, an integer answer is an acceptable one in this situation, as Leesa discovered, so long as it continues to decrease over the course of the trip.
• There is a limit to how much banjo music a person can listen to.  This limit is 3 minutes.
• It is entirely possible to be drunk even in a dry city but it requires a great deal of banjo music.
• Despite the presence of a bathroom nearby and presumably a hotel room, some people will unabashedly change their child's diaper ON an air hockey table.
• It is possible, if not necessarily advisable, to eat McDonald's twice in two days.
• I'm sure that the Great Smoky Mountains are a national treasure and whatever, but seriously, just one big cell tower right on top of a mountain would do wonders for the place.
• My wife is a wonderful person and an eternal optimist.